A Good Cry

"If you've been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you -- you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness." ~C.S. Lewis 

I've been reading these grief books my father-in-law bought me. It is a series of four short books, and I am currently on the third. The books take you through the stages of coping with grief, and I am currently on "Finding Hope and Healing."

One of the chapters in the second book on experiencing grief is titled, "A Good Cry." It talks about how crying is a good release of tension and sadness, and how each good cry lets a little more of the pain out of our systems. It is a powerful healing force.

I've definitely had my share of good cries lately, there is no denying that. And I have experienced, more than once, the feeling C.S. Lewis describes in the quote above. I've even written about it before here on my blog...

Next to writing, crying has been the best release for me (I have never been short on dramatics). And this last week, I have had a lot to let go of. This past Tuesday was the anniversary of my grandmother's death. I was very close to my grandmother, and when she passed away suddenly three years ago, I was so devastated. Then my favorite cat died very unexpectedly early Saturday morning. That was such a hard loss for me. I kept wishing my mom were here to give me a hug. And now today is my mom's birthday.

Water works.

Oh, how I miss her. Everything about her. Even the stuff that got on my nerves. Lately, I find myself asking God to just let her get on my nerves one last time, because that would mean that she is not gone.

Oh, the crazy things we miss after our loved ones leave us.

If there's one thing I've learned from this grief process, it's been that the grieving process is different for everyone. Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own ways. It has been therapeutic for me to share my grief experiences with you all here and on Facebook. I hope you haven't grown weary of my posts.

Or my crying.

After I posted one of my writings for you all a few weeks ago, I had several requests to share another. I have been debating on which piece to post -- they're all so personal to me. But, I have one piece that fits perfectly with this blog post. I wrote it in the silence after a good, long, hard cry... 

CRYING

I hear you crying, Mom, in the early morning hours behind a closed bathroom door. You are praying or talking to yourself – I’m not sure which. I just hear you crying.

I see you crying, Mom, after one of our fights. After a fight with Daddy. After a bad day at work. After someone has hurt you. I just see you crying.

I feel you crying, Mom, as I leave the nest and venture out into the world to chase my dreams. I feel you crying tears of joy, pride, nervousness. I feel it all. I just feel you crying.

I know you’re crying, Mom, when I get off the phone with you after a long heart-to-heart about some life choices I’ve made. Or when I call to tell you I’m engaged. Or when I tell you I’m pregnant… for the FOURTH time. I just know, good or bad news, you’re crying.

I remember you crying with me, Mom. Those times you spent hours in my room at night, holding me as I cried myself to sleep over whatever trivial thing was upsetting me that night. I am now beginning to experience this with my own daughters. I remember your love, your touch, your words of wisdom, your prayers. I remember it all. I just remember you crying.

You finally got tired of crying, Mom. You said, “I want to go. Just let me go.” You were tired of the disease. Tired of the medicine. Tired of the side effects. Tired of being alive, but not living. So, you cried your last tears and Jesus welcomed you home. 

I know you don’t want me to be sad, so I’m trying to put on a brave face and think of happier times. But for now, I just cry. I cry for what was and I cry for what could have been. I cry for you.

One day, though, I will stop crying, too…

So today is mom's birthday, and of course, I have been crying. It hasn't all been sadness, though. I have really been trying hard to focus on happy memories and things that I really loved about my mom. My family went out to lunch with my dad yesterday to celebrate mom. We wanted to go to her favorite restaurant, but they were closed because of the Super Bowl. So, we went and had one of her other favorite meals instead. The girls and I also released balloons this afternoon in memory of mom. It is so windy today, so I know they made it to Heaven in record time!!

One day, I will get to a place where the happy feelings outnumber the sad. I pray I get to that place sooner rather than later. Today, I am imagining mom in Heaven, surrounded by God and Jesus and her family. They're singing "Happy Birthday" to her and eating lots of cake and ice cream.

And she is looking down on us, smiling, and she is at peace...

Singing "Happy Birthday!!!"

Sending balloons to Heaven