Summer's here, and so is the realization of my new role...

“Grace, then, is grace - that is to say, it is sovereign, it is free, it is sure, it is unconditional, and it is everlasting.” ~ Alexander Whyte

Our summer vacation is officially in full swing. This is a somewhat surreal concept for me, considering I swear it was just yesterday that I was escorting my girls into their new classrooms and meeting their teachers. Now it's time for swimming lessons, summer reading lists, church camp, fireworks and watermelon.

We are heading into a season that has so many wonderful memories for me, yet now also is marred by the death of my mom. It was around this time last year that my mom came down with the illness that eventually led to her passing (though we didn't know she was sick until later on in June).

So many things have happened this past year. I am just in awe of the amazing young ladies my girls are becoming. They have grown up so much, yet still, to me, remain so young and innocent. I want them to stay that way forever. But I know God has big plans for their lives, so I guess I'll allow them to grow and change and forge their paths in this crazy world.

God is forcing me to grow and change, too. It is definitely a process, learning to navigate this world without my mother. I was 35, almost 36, when my mom died. And while I realize that some people lose their moms at ages younger than me, I also realize that many, many more people don't lose their moms until a much older age.

It has been an adjustment, for sure (that might be a huge understatement).

I was speaking to my dad awhile back, and he said, "It's hard being thrust into the matriarch role this young, isn't it?"

It sure is.

In the last 3 years, I have lost both of my grandmothers and my mom (as well as a grandfather, but we're strictly talking matriarchs today). I've really been thinking about this a lot lately. So many thoughts have bubbled to the surface. It's finally hit me: This is it. I'm it. I am not ready to be it. I'm not equipped to be a matriarch. I am nowhere near responsible enough, knowledgeable enough, self-reliant enough, old enough. When I picture a matriarch, I see a woman with silver hair and glasses, not someone with a 3-year-old at home.

My great-grandmother. She was an amazing matriarch.

But somehow, in some way, the torch has now passed to me, and I am responsible for leading this family. There is no one left to look up to. I find this thought quite terrifying - that I am now the sole female on my side responsible for the next generation of our family.

I hope my kids are prepared to grant me a lot of grace.

I know I will be seeking God's grace frequently, as well. The one thought that brings me peace in this new role is that God's grace is ever-present, abundant, free. We only need to ask for it, and it will be given. I have relied a lot on my Lord this past year, moreso than I probably have my entire life. There have been so many times when I've needed His love, His understanding, His grace.

And each time I've called upon Him, He has answered in kind.

I trust and have faith in His divine plan. But while I may never know why God chose me for this new role at such an early time in my life, I at least take comfort in the fact that He is right there with me, helping me be responsible enough, knowledgeable enough, self-reliant enough (and hopefully, one day, "old enough").

Father, thank you for trusting me with such an important job. I pray that you will help me raise my girls in a way that honors you. Help me to be a strong matriarch for our family, so that one day, when I am gone, my children and their children and their children's children will mirror the example I set and become strong matriarchs in their own right. Be with us now and always. And keep that grace handy. All this I ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." ~1 Peter 5:10