Thinking

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (scary thing, I know)...

Thinking about family. Thinking about friends. Thinking about the holidays. Thinking about my mom.

**And by thinking, I really mean crying (at least 75 percent of the time, anyway).**

One of my favorite places right now to "think" is in my backyard, watching the birds. I posted on Facebook awhile back that I have been receiving several visits from cardinals lately. In fact, one day, I had 5 of them eating off the sunflowers in my garden. All 5 showed up at the same time.

I knew it was a sign.

I never gave much thought to the afterlife until my mom passed. Perhaps I thought about it a little after I started losing my grandparents, but I never read any books about it or researched it like I have since Mom.

One of the most common things I have read is that cardinals are a sign from our loved ones, letting us know they are still with us, comforting us, loving us.

And then there's this one:

 

This one shows up pretty much every time I go outside (sometimes when I just look out the window). I can't explain it. Every time I think about my mom, this same cardinal appears. It flies down from the hedge row in the back yard and lands on top of our chain link fence. Sometimes, it just hangs out in the hedge, but always flies closer so I can see it.

I know it's the same bird each day, because it is the fattest cardinal I think I have ever seen (I feed it well). So, it is now my buddy, and we discuss life and what my girls are doing and how I'm feeling and that I'm sorry the squirrels keep eating its safflower seeds. You know, all the important things.

And it stays awhile and listens to me, or sometimes just watches me think cry. It has actually become my little grieving mascot, if you will.

I looked all over for the perfect cardinal ornament for my Christmas tree this year. There was nothing I liked. Nothing that conveyed what this beautiful bird does every day for my soul. I will keep searching for that perfect decoration. I know it's out there somewhere.

In the meantime, I want to leave you all with something that I wrote in one of my journals while "thinking." Putting some of my private thoughts out here. Therapy or something... It's (appropriately) titled "Thinking." Just some things I have pondered since August 1st (warning: you will need Kleenex)...

Thinking

What were you thinking on your wedding day? When you said your vows and pledged your love to Daddy?

What were you thinking when you first heard me cry? When you saw me for the first time, held me in your arms and smelled my baby smell?

What were you thinking when I took my first steps? Ate my first bite of cake? Said “I love you” for the very first time?

What were you thinking when we got into our first (of many) fight? When I let my temper control my thoughts and actions?

What were you thinking when I was 3 and read to you for the first time?

What were you thinking when I went off to kindergarten? Got off the bus and walked to class by myself because I didn’t need your help?

What were you thinking when I made new friends? Had my first crush? Lost some friends?

What were you thinking when I tried sports for the first time? When I tried music for the first time? When I succeeded for the first time?

What were you thinking when I went off to middle school and had some of the roughest times of my youth? When some of the teachers were as heartless as the kids? When you sat up with me all those late nights? When you cried with me?

What were you thinking when I accepted Jesus as my Savior, was baptized and reborn?

What were you thinking when I went through my rebellious phase in high school? When I did so many things I wished I wouldn’t have? When I probably disappointed you more than made you proud?

What were you thinking when I burned my arm? When you saw what I had to endure? When your gut was telling you to say, "I told you so," but all you said instead was, "I love you."

What were you thinking when I graduated high school and chose to attend your alma mater? When I then chose to leave your alma mater and graduate from the “rival?” When I told you things about my personal life that I knew would disappoint you?

What were you thinking when I called to tell you I was getting married? What was going through your mind on my wedding day? When you had to officially let go of your firstborn?

What were you thinking when you got your diagnosis? When you found out that your time in this life would be cut short? When you had to slowly start giving up the things you loved so much because you no longer could do them?

What were you thinking when you found out you were going to be a grandma for the first time? For the FOURTH time? When you held your granddaughters in your arms? When you saw the joy on their faces when they were with their "Little Nana." When you sang to them and read to them and played with them (even when you didn’t feel well), not knowing how long you would have with them?

What were you thinking when you had your first major “scare?” When six weeks in the hospital seemed like forever? When you knew it was the “beginning of the end?” What were you thinking when you were finally getting “better,” only to have a relapse?

What were you thinking when your dad died? When your mom died? When your sister-in-law died? When your mother-in-law died?

What were you thinking last year at Christmastime? On your birthday? On Mother’s Day? Did you know they would be your last?

What were you thinking when you went into the hospital for the final time? When no one could figure out your symptoms until it was too late? When every treatment seemed to make things worse? When Daddy and I left your bedside some nights and you were all alone?

What were you thinking when you took that turn for the worse? When Daddy and I could barely hold it together in front of you (but somehow we did) knowing you were slipping away?

What were you thinking that fateful morning, when the only one in the room with you was me, and the doctor came in and said, “I am so sorry. There is nothing more we can do for her.” And I wept on you? Told you not to leave me? Told you not to leave the girls?

What were you thinking when I had to be the one to make the call for Hospice care? When all you would say to us was, “Just let me go.”

What were you thinking when we sang at your bedside? Prayed for you? Hoped for a miracle for you?

What were you thinking when you heard me cry? When I held you in my arms and smelled your unforgettable smell and told you to hold on just a little while longer for your family?

What were you thinking when they moved you to Hospice? When all of the tubes and machines were disconnected. When you were no longer in pain?

What were you thinking when you saw Jesus, arms stretched out to you, calling you home?

What are you thinking now, watching us from up above? Visiting us when we’re sad or lonely? Missing us in Heaven?

So many times I wish I would have asked you what you were thinking…